Obama’s Third Bill of Rights

President Barack Obama, Chairing the 33rd Progressive Internationale held at the “United Nations,” delivered a speech in which he declared a Third Bill of Rights:

“We brothers in equality cannot be content, no matter how high or low the standard of living, if some fraction of our people—whether it be one-third or one thousandth or one millionth — is independent and self-reliant, and therefore, unappreciative and resistant to change.

This Social Democracy had its beginning, and grew to its present strength, under the protection of certain government-granted rights—among them the right to non-offensive speech, a servile and uniform press, a speedy trial in the court of public opinion, and the security that comes from non-stop surveillance, random searches, and confiscatory seizures. These were the privileges of our servitude and obeisance. And all was well — for a while.

As the people declined in pride and vigor, however—as our hollowed-out economy mysteriously imploded, no doubt due to saboteurs —these guarantees proved inadequate to ensure the equality so vital to our prosperity.

We have come to a clear realization that social freedom cannot exist without government dependence and thus, democratic empowerment. Independent men are not free men. People who hunger for freedom and a life outside the dictates of government are the stuff of which fascist reaction is made.

But we understand now that some people are getting anxious that the dream of our progressive forefathers might go unfulfilled. Lest anyone should doubt that government can deliver the goods, the following pledge is being made to the citizens of the world.

In our day, these economic truths have become self-evident. We have accepted, so to speak, a Third Bill of Rights under which a new basis of service and security can be established for all—regardless of station, race, creed, sexuality, gender, ethnicity, girth, skin tone, or transgender status.

Among these are:

The right to an unproductive job in one of the many departments or services or offices or bureaus or agencies of the government;

The right to earn enough to eat Chinese take-out every night, if that is what one should so desire, or to buy an expensive overcoat, or to spend 90% of one’s time being entertained;

The right for every bureaucrat to regulate the labor of the citizenry as he or she should see fit, in order that the goals of equality and efficiency can be attained;

The right of every policeman to carry out his or her duty to the state in freedom from resistance;

The right of every community to commandeer and enlist every child in the service of the public good;

The right of doctors and nurses to provide medical care to anyone with any illness without rationing and without respect to cost in terms of time, manpower, and technology;

The right to open-ended insurance to gird our good citizens against old age, sickness, accident, unemployment, and death, regardless of what each citizen puts into the economy;

The right to a state education adequate enough to inform the citizen of his or her own self-interest.

All of these rights spell happiness. And after our war against inequality is won, and all the casualties of human opposition removed from our eyes and the history books, we must be prepared to move forward, in the implementation of these rights, to new goals of servitude and sacrifice.

We must be prepared to give up our lives, our fortunes, our sacred honor, and even our country itself, to ascend to our rightful station as a first among equals; and to realize the honor the world for whom we sacrifice for has prepared for us, and to march forward, in harmony with the all-knowing and all-good State, to the very end of history.

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.

Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and BeatObamaPac, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.