President Obama Endorses Mitt Romney

In a move sure to shock the country, President Obama has endorsed Mitt Romney. At an impromptu press conference held at the Waialae Country Club in Honolulu, Hawaii, the president, leaning on a nine iron and slurping intermittently on a cherry-lime Italian Ice, gushed about the former Massachusetts Governor’s qualifications for president.

“Mitt’s got a hell of a lot of experience, I’ll be frank,” Mr. Obama opened, decked out in a bright white Polo and baggy khaki shorts. “Let’s face it, he has more executive experience than I did when I assumed office, and believe me, that would have been handy.”

An awkward pause punctuated the odd remark, until it became noticeable the president’s eyes were tracking the closed captioning of a CNN report by Wolf Blitzer on the muted club house television. Obama suddenly snapped out of his trance and continued the press conference.

“Mitt has a record of working with Democrats in the state of Massachusetts, and we think that is an admirable trait for a member of the opposition party,” Obama remarked and chortled with a sparkle in his eye.

Without warning, Obama picked up his club and started walking back to his golf cart, a titanium-plated behemoth known affectionately as the mini-tank. A gaggle of secret service men seemed to appear from out of nowhere. One popped out of a trash can, a camouflaged one stepped out from in front of a Coke machine, and the short order cook threw off his apron and precipitously tossed the spatula as he sprang over the counter. The entire press corps, mics, cameras and all, moved in unison, like a pack of gazelles, to follow the president’s trek to the back nine.

“I mean, think about it,” Obama said over his left shoulder, “We’ve got a man who’s far and wide considered a moderate, and one I hope will do nothing to touch my radical agenda. Have you seen my approval numbers? Sure, they’re up now. But most people think the country’s on the wrong track and government’s too big and intrusive. Bringing a status quo Republican into the fold would make my transformational program look sensible, like there’s no legitimate dissent to what the Barack has been cooking.”

Cheerily, the president hopped into the back of his mini-tank, and motioned for the chauffeur to drive forward. Dozens of journalists ran as fast as they could to keep up.

“If you were me, who would you pick to be president?” Obama said behind him. “Besides, I’ve got better things to do than be the leader of a measly country I’m not even a citizen of.”

With that numerous producers gave the throat slash signal to their reporters not to pursue any questioning further.

“Chauffeur, stop.”

Obama climbed out of the mini-tank and grabbed a driver handed to him by his bagboy. The reporters huffed and puffed to keep up. They finally arrived and stuck microphones and cameras in his face.

“To tell you the truth,” he said. “I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore without thinking that maybe I’m not this godlike figure I’ve been hyped up to be.”

A tear began to trickle down his left cheek, but he brushed it away with his golf-gloved hand. But then a devilish grin appeared on one side of his face, like he knew a secret no one else was in on.

He walked over to the tee, ball waiting on it, and took a hard swing. The ball started off nearly straight, but then sliced hard.

As he came back to the reporters, he did an exceptionally odd thing. He stopped in front of the mini-tank and smoothed his shorts. Then he emphatically took two big steps forward. He stopped again, and then took one step back.

Obama climbed into the back of the mini-tank and waved goodbye, as he rode into the Hawaiian sunset.

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally.