So, Joe, You Say You Want To Unify Us

One of the key takeaways from Joe Biden’s “victory” speech last Sunday was his message of national reconciliation. It’s “time to heal,” Biden told us, later pleading, “Stop treating our opponents as enemies.” While many believe Biden’s speech was premature, considering that he has not yet been officially confirmed as our next president, he clearly wanted to get a head start.

Let’s assume for a moment that Mr. Biden will indeed be our next president, which is certainly possible, and let’s consider what his next steps will be. Based on his speech on Sunday, Biden appears to be poised for greatness; mending fences that have long been broken, and restoring civil discourse to our electorate. “I pledge to be a president who seeks not to divide, but to unify,” Biden exclaimed. Those chills we felt were not from a fever due to a newly-contracted case of COVID-19 — because we all know that Biden promised to “control” the virus once elected — but were instead due to his breathtaking display of leadership.

While Mr. Biden was ranting about something called “badacathcare” a few weeks ago, many of us scratched our heads in confusion.

But earlier in the election cycle when Biden famously lectured, “You ain’t black,” his message was unmistakable, and it certainly wasn’t unifying. Similarly, earlier in the campaign when Biden was reminiscing about his past when kids rubbed his hairy legs, many of us reflected on Biden’s more recent history, such as that time he preached “Mitt Romney’s gonna put y’all back in chains.” That statement wasn’t very unifying either. But let’s put that all behind us now, because Joe Biden has pledged to bring us together, and we all know that Good Ole’ Joe is a man of his word.

Therefore, considering that Mr. Biden asked in that same speech on Sunday that we all “listen to each other again,” we can safely assume that he now frequents conservative publications such as this one. Accordingly, the following unsolicited advice goes out directly to you, sir … self-proclaimed President-Elect Joe Biden. Here are five things you can do that would tremendously help in unifying the country.

1. Denounce inflammatory rhetoric from fellow Democrats, immediately and unequivocally. You stated during the first presidential debate, “I am the Democratic Party,” so we know you have the authority. The next time Michelle Obama accuses “tens of millions” of her fellow Americans of “supporting hate,” we look forward to you strongly condemning such nonsense. And if Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) continues to advocate for the Orwellian approach of “archiving these Trump sycophants” for future punishment, we’re sure a thorough tongue-lashing from you, with your newfound affinity for togetherness, will go a long way in calming the waters.

2. Reject the narrative that America is systemically racist, and emphatically shut down your party’s practice of identity politics. This one should be easy, considering we purportedly just elected another African-American in Kamala Harris, and a female no less. There is nothing more divisive than your party’s constant efforts to separate us along racial, gender, and religious lines. We suggest you kick-off this new tactic by adopting your own, captivating slogan — “Make Identity Politics Reprehensible Again.” In no time, the acronym of MIPRA will catch on as quickly as MAGA did.
3. Give President Trump credit for his accomplishments. Your former boss, President Obama, spent eight years badmouthing President Bush, his predecessor, but such talk was highly divisive for the country, not to mention disingenuous. You’ll have plenty of topics to choose from in complimenting President Trump. You’ll be inheriting a thriving economy. Peace is breaking out throughout the Middle East due to President Trump’s efforts in dismantling the Obama/Biden policies favoring Iran. And we will likely have a COVID-19 vaccine already being administered to citizens by the time you take office. It’s hard to come up with three more consequential achievements by any recent president, and in applauding these results the goodwill you’ll receive will be substantial.
4. Condemn the radical agenda that the left-wing of your party has been promoting. We know you refused to answer the questions about such controversies prior to the election, but now it’s over. So, confirm once and for all your opposition to the outrageous ideas of court-packing, abolishing the filibuster, and adding new states to the union; all three of which are discordant and deeply unpopular with a large majority of Americans. While you’re at it, declare yourself as anti-Socialist. Attacks from the Left on capitalism and property rights are extremely polarizing, and capitalism has clearly been kind to you and your family. So, we’re sure you’ll agree that such a stance is unquestionably reasonable.
5. Reach out to GOP leaders and publicly commit to cooperation. We’re certain that House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) would love to hear from you, and there is clearly a wide range of items that are ripe for compromise. For starters, a vast majority of Americans support immigration reform and reinvestment in our infrastructure. Additionally, considering that there was at least some level of election irregularities and/or voter fraud in multiple states last week, you could call for a thorough investigation of such matters, in both houses of Congress as well as your upcoming Justice Department. If you want us to be unified, then we all need to have confidence in both this election and future elections, and we’re sure you agree. By all means, including Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) in this meeting, but you may have to sedate them both if you want to accomplish anything.

Clearly, these points may be difficult for you to embrace, Mr. Biden, and could indeed cause some minor backlash from certain members of your party. But if you were to make a sincere effort to welcome and implement these ideas, most conservative Americans that supported President Donald J. Trump would certainly be open-minded to the harmony you espouse. Please keep in mind, however, that there were 72 million of us, the second largest number of Americans to ever vote for a presidential candidate, so shifting the sentiment of so many may take some time. But you’ve declared that you will be our new leader, so by all means sir, show us the way.