My Advice to (Young) Women

Congressman Eric Swalwell (D-Calif.), who was — until a few days ago — running for governor of California, has had to end his campaign amid a swirling morass of sexual scandal. According to CNN, it was apparently an “open secret” in Washington, D.C., that Swalwell was rambunctiously unfaithful to his wife. But within the past week, several women have come forward to accuse Swalwell of sexual assault, including rape. On Tuesday, Swalwell also resigned from his congressional seat under pressure from former House Speaker (and Swalwell’s mentor) Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and other prominent Democrats.

The accusations made against Eric Swalwell are eerily evocative of those that brought down other powerful men during the height of the #MeToo movement a few years ago, including disgraced Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein, comedian and actor Bill Cosby and former “Today” show anchor Matt Lauer. There’s an unnerving pattern that emerges in many of these stories. Women often admit that they were surprised, flattered or “starstruck” by the men’s attention; they hoped these powerful men could advance their career aspirations. Women often acknowledge that the men’s behavior made them uncomfortable and that they didn’t want to respond or reciprocate but did it anyway.

Reading these accounts makes me think of Gavin de Becker’s bestselling 1997 book, “The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence.” I still remember how I felt when I read de Becker’s shocking statement that humans are the only animals on the planet that ignore their intuition when faced with a potentially dangerous situation. In what has become one of the most quoted examples from the book, Becker says, “You’re in a hallway waiting for an elevator late at night. Elevator door opens, and there’s a guy inside, and he makes you afraid. You don’t know why, you don’t know what it is. Some memory of this building—whatever it may be. And many women will stand there and look at that guy and say, ‘Oh, I don’t want to think like that. I don’t want to be the kind of person who lets the door close in his face. I’ve got to be nice. I don’t want him to think I’m not nice.’ And so human beings will get into a steel soundproof chamber with someone they’re afraid of, and there’s not another animal in nature that would even consider it.”

But it isn’t just in life-threatening situations that we should listen to our guts; it’s also in circumstances where the use of better judgment can keep us from being exploited. There are no guarantees, but some more prudent decisions can help reduce that possibility.

With that in mind, here is some advice for (mostly younger) women:

1. Don’t hang out with powerful men just because you’re flattered or you think they’ll help your career. Trust me, that’s not what they’re interested in. And even if they’re willing to throw you a bone, they expect to be “paid” for it, and it’s a price you’ll likely conclude was too high.

2. If they come on to you, if their attention makes you uncomfortable in any way, if they send you nude pictures of themselves (or anyone else), and certainly if they’re married or otherwise involved, avoid them like the plague. They are not looking out for your best interests, and their relative happiness or unhappiness in their other relationship is nothing you can remedy — and probably a lie anyway.

3. Don’t be alone with them, anywhere. Not in their offices, not in their homes or apartments, not in their hotel rooms.

4. Don’t go drinking with them unless it’s with a larger group. And don’t drink to excess. Know your limits and keep to them. Some of the #MeToo accounts make clear that the women assaulted were physically overpowered. But several of the women accusing Swalwell of sexual assault describe “heavy drinking.” Unless it’s a concoction involving multiple shots, not even the biggest lightweight is going to pass out after a single drink — or even two — and wake up hours later with no memory of the evening’s events or how she got to the hotel room where she finds herself. (And it bears mentioning that if someone is inclined to tamper with another person’s drink, it’s more difficult to do that with other people around.)

5. Related to No. 4, above, if you are out enjoying adult beverages with a group of people, make sure you have a ride home. Take it.

6. For heaven’s sake, don’t send nude pictures of yourself.

7. Here’s the Big Ask: If you need to find another job to escape exploitative or potentially predatory behavior, do it. Yes, it may feel “unfair.” But your safety and self-worth are more important than any position, no matter how impressive it appears to people on the outside or how difficult changing jobs might seem at the time. I guarantee you that women who have suffered sexual assault from someone they worked with (or for) have thought, “If only I’d left the job before it happened.” Don’t be one of them.

I want to be quite clear: This is not about “blaming the victim.” Being foolish isn’t a crime; sexual assault is. This is about avoiding situations that are professionally damaging and personally scarring. For those of us who have found ourselves in violent or exploitative situations that we wish we would have fled, helping other women find the strength to trust their guts and stay far, far away from those kinds of circumstances is the next best thing.

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