Democrats Propose “Fairness, Justice, and Racial Equality Tax”

The Democrat Party is seeking to strike another blow for racial and economic justice ahead of the crucial 2012 elections. The Congressional Black Caucus is proposing a progressive “Skin Color Tax and Subsidy” (SCTAS) that would redistribute wealth according to skin pigmentation.  If the bill “The Fairness, Justice, and Racial Equality Tax” is passed into law, the tax would take effect in 2013.

Determining one’s tax obligations under the proposed law would require an innovative process of measuring and recording skin pigmentation. Melanin Spectrometer equipment would be set up in Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) offices across the country, due to their reputation of relatively high levels of bureaucratic efficiency. The funding of the equipment is slated at $287 billion,which would provide a much-needed stimulus to the recovering economy. The equipment production contract was awarded to General Electric in a no-bid situation, obviously for non-political purposes.

The proposed law would require taxpayers to bring their I-9s to the DMV and register for the Skin Pigmentation Verification test.  After completing a ten page survey about one’s racial heritage and turning it in to the Chief Racial Enforcement Officer (CREO), one would become eligible to take the Melanin Concentration Battery.

The battery of tests would begin with a visual exam performed by a state-certified Skin Pigmentation Inspector (SPI) to check for evidence of fraud, such as recent UV and chemical tanning.  He or she would also check for visual signs of albinism in African-American taxpayers. Initially, inspectors would be recruited from a pool of Transportation Security Administration (TSA) officials on unemployment for assorted misconduct.

Subjects would be required to strip off all their clothing, save for specially approved underwear (see Section 126, Clause B of the bill), and stand in an enclosed Melanin Spectrometer booth that bombards them with ultra-violet rays. Participants would then be classed according to measurements of skin reactivity, after accounting for anomalies such as freckles.

The progressive tax gradation would run as follows: White Caucasians of European descent would be taxed on the upper scale of 5.5%; Asian-Americans at 5.1%; and Latinos and Hispanics at 1.2%. African-Americans, on the other hand, would receive a subsidy varying from $412 to $861, depending on melanin concentration.  African-Americans are required to be registered to vote in order to receive the subsidy.

Congressional Black Caucus member Hank Jackson heralded the tax as a “triumph for the remedy of past racial injustices.” John Connors saw the tax as “correcting the unfortunate legacy of slavery and discrimination through a kind of backdoor amnesty.”

Fellow caucus member Sheila Jefferson-Lee touted the proposal as carrying the advantage that whoever would object to the tax “would automatically be racist.”  The Congresswoman’s full comment, “If this bill passed, we would perpetually have the opportunity to pass whatever tax we wanted, and anyone who opposed us would automatically be racist.  At the same time, we would be helping an at-risk constituency that is being oppressed by the majority. In the name of fairness and equality, this bill must be passed.”

Author’s note: The above is satire. It is a fictionalized account intended to elucidate certain ideas and principles by taking them to absurd lengths. It is not intended to be taken literally. The author is not racist, and believes in individual rights and equal opportunity for all.

Kyle Becker blogs at RogueGovernment, and can be followed on Twitter as @RogueOperator1. He writes freelance for several publications, including American Thinker and BeatObamaPac, and is a regular commentator on the late night talk show TB-TV.