An open letter to CNN

Dear CNN,

So, how have you been?  I haven’t heard much from you over the last couple of weeks.  Granted, I don’t actually watch you, but I know a couple of people that do.  Well, to be honest, it’s only one person.  He’s the uncle of a friend of a neighbor’s ex-wife’s yoga instructor.  He watches from jail.

Recently, though, you went through a pretty rough period.  It hasn’t really been a good summer for you.  Sorry to hear that.  I know how you feel.  Just last week I dropped a hammer on my foot.  It hurt like hell.  I couldn’t wear a shoe for a couple of days.  It’s much better now.

Okay, so it’s not exactly like what you’ve gone through recently, except that, like my foot, your injuries have also been self-inflicted.  It’s been said that if you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is to stop digging.  You aren’t very good at that.  To be honest, you suck at it.  You aren’t just in a hole, it’s as if you’re fracking like there is oil underneath Wolf Blitzer’s desk.

Let’s recap:

One of your news crews was caught staging a pro-Islam rally in England.  A Soviet Politburo meeting offered more spontaneity.  Next time at least let those attending the “rally” make their own signs.  Also, it’s probably not a good idea for the news producer to shout, “Once more with feeling.”  I know you tried to explain it away as real spontaneous news, but when one of the women said, “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille,” that was a dead giveaway.

Next, you published a “fake news” story about President Trump and Russian collusion. I know you’ve been pushing the whole Trump-Russia story like McDonald’s pushes Big Macs, but c’mon.  At least McDonald’s actually has Big Macs.

Three of your employees had to resign because the story was so phony only Dan Rather bought it.  Please note for future reference, if a source contacts one of your employees with information about Russian collusion and claims to be Josef Stalin, don’t take the bait, he probably isn’t.

Then there was the guy who made a video meme depicting President Trump body slamming a pro wrestler with a CNN logo for his head.  Um, fellas, pro wrestling is fake.  I figured you knew that already, given your familiarity with fake stuff.  For a news organization, you seem to have a pretty thin skin.  You actually hunted down the person who made the video and threatened to expose him if he didn’t apologize and promise to never, ever do it again.  That’s a bit scary, even for you.  Do you even remember journalism?  Just checking.

Your White House correspondent, Jim Acosta, is a whiner. I haven’t heard such whining since I told my then three-year-old son that he couldn’t have a drum set. Eventually, he got older.  Please tell Mr. Acosta that President Trump has no intention of giving him a drum set and he should just get over it.

He seems to think only immigrants from Great Britain or Australia speak English.  You might want to let him know that there are more English-speakers in India than in Great Britain and Australia combined – and way more than in Louisiana.  He needs to get out more.  Has he ever been to your IT department?  Maybe he should huddle with the masses, you know, the ones yearning to be free.  Most of them live outside of the beltway.

Reporter Chris Cillizza then wrote a spellbinding piece on your website giving a second by second account of a Trump handshake with French President Emmanuel Macron.  It was so riveting I couldn’t get up from my chair.  (Actually, much like the few remaining CNN viewers, I fell asleep.)

Now I hear your ratings are now below Nick at Nite.  More people watch reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air than watch your network.  I remember not watching Fresh Prince back in the Nineties.  Sure, I get that Will Smith is funnier than Anderson Cooper and that parachute pants were real sharp, but still…

How many people will look back on 2017 and fondly remember not watching CNN?

CNN, you are the most trusted name in news in the same way that Charles Ponzi is the most trusted name in investing.

Maybe you should get out of town for a couple of weeks, read a book or two.  Perhaps you could see the Emoji Movie.  It’ll do you good.  Please take Acosta with you.  As for me, I hear there is a Full House Marathon on Nick at Nite.  Enjoy the rest of your summer.